Reading things that I’ve written in the past makes me sad. I do not feel as creative as I once was, and even then I felt inadequate. While this blog is about running, I don’t have much to write about on that topic. I cannot physically or mentally run the half marathon this year. I’m more disappointed in myself than I’ve been in a long time. I’m on this path that I feel is wrong. I want to feel like I’m in the right career and I just feel like I’m losing myself. I remember why I went in to this field, but it just does not feel like it’s enough. Every single day I’m sad. I have so many things to be happy about, but work pulls me down. I want to do something I love. I want to feel creative again. I love singing and I’ve always wanted to write a book, but I never feel like I’m good enough to make a career out of what I love. To everyone on the outside, I’m successful. I have a master’s degree and I’m earning a living wage. Then why do I feel so small?
It seems like the directions of running on a trail are pretty straightforward. Just stay on the path. But no, I decided “Hey, look at this cool bridge. I think I’m supposed to cross it.”
Consequence…ran 2 miles less (fewer?…I’ll have to ask Mike, the ENGLISH major!) than I was supposed to because I overestimated how long I was off the trail.
This run was very scenic. Buck Creek State Park! Unfortunately, my battery on my NEW phone was really low so I couldn’t take any pictures. Boo. I saw a groundhog, 2 large slobbery dogs that were adorable (and slobbered on me of course), a raccoon, ducks, geese, bicyclists, runners, people fishing, and a creepy dude smoking a cig (I’ll add that I ran pretty fast past him). Fun times.
Now time to have a quick recap on my former training runs. We’ll go backwards, shall we.
I felt kind of crappy, but I really wanted to run at a decent pace today.
Around 28 minutes
Too lazy to calculate the pace…let’s just say slower than I would like for a 5K. I also lifted afterwards.
Squats 3X10 (40lbs total)
Push Ups 3X10
Seated Row 3X10 (no idea how heavy because the weights weren’t labeled…I’ll guess 40lbs)
Leg Lifts 3X10
Lunges 3X10 (20lbs total)
1hr 22min 43sec
I felt like such a slowpoke. But I did have to take a detour and climb a lot of steps so that may have made my pace slower.
1hr 48min 33sec
Today, I really felt great. I just moved to a new city and it was a nice change of scenery. There has also been a lot of stressful situations so a long run was just what I needed to feel better.
So that’s about as far as I can remember.
It’s my new obsession.
Sometimes when I run, I run to beat my best time.
Sometimes I run to train for a race.
Sometimes I run because of guilt from eating that piece of cake.
Today I ran for therapy.
I’ve been taking a couple days off because I’ve been sick. I decided to hold off on my 10 mile run until Tuesday or Wednesday. I’ve also been in the process of moving so things are a little crazy.
I had no choice today. I had to run. I needed this run.
So I started on the treadmill…listening to Mayday Parade (old school), with a 6.0 mph pace. The problem with the treadmill is that I hate having to mess with the buttons to figure out how fast I want to go. 6 mph wasn’t enough. I needed more. Eventually I changed my pace to 7.3 mph. I felt free…even while running in place, with a phlegmy cough. This is my happy place. And I am not sure why.
Well, I guess science can say why…but that’s another topic.
When people run, they may be asked “What are you running from?” to those who are not used to the runner’s lifestyle. But I guess if you think about it…maybe we’re all running from something. Weight gain. Mediocrity. Loneliness. You name it.
I run when I need to fight the ‘demons’ I have.
You know, that voice inside your head that says you’re a terrible person because you’re not good enough, not pretty enough, not strong enough, not worthy. The thing that wants you to lose faith in humanity…but most importantly, the thing that wants you to be your worst self, whether it’s expressed through anger, sadness, grief, apathy, etc.
Today, this was my run.
*Oh hey, person. If you are still reading this…congratulations! This is one of the few posts I actually wrote that included some feeling. Usually I just write what I ate, or what I ran, and short thoughts. If you dislike this style, it probably won’t last long. I’ll sure enough go back to keeping this blog less of a ‘diary’ and more of “Hey I ran 3 miles today and ate cake”.
But today…it was therapy.
And now for some Daily Motivation. Courtesy of The Berry.
Look how awesome I look. 😀 I had to take a picture of my Camelbak. I love it, but when I plan on running around town I kind of feel like a weirdo.
I ran 5 miles today in 1 hour. Blurgh. It was ridiculously hot outside so I guess 12 min miles isn’t so bad.
I dreaded every time I had to run with no shade. And of course I picked a main street that had hardly any trees. Also, Camelbak was my best friend. Hydration!!!
After my run today, I started thinking…hey…I bet if I worked hard enough…I could be really awesome at this running thing. I mean…I did just run 5 miles in sweltering heat.
Then I rationalized with myself…Awesome runners don’t take an hour to run 5 miles…even in 100 degree weather.
And then I fantasized again…well maybe if I changed my diet! I have been reading It Starts with Food, which is about the 30 day Paleo challenge. Sounds like it is worth a shot…if only I wasn’t a pescetarian. It’s kind of difficult to try paleo when you don’t eat meat.
I also got Vegan for Her from the library, which I will read afterwards.
Maybe I’ll be a Paleo Vegan!!! That wouldn’t make my life and everyone’s lives (who plan to eat with me) difficult at all! 😀
Too many choices make life difficult.
I said I would start posting pics of my food…but then I decided that most of the food I eat is not worth taking pictures of. Ah well.
So I’m a little behind on my posts. No surprise. I had Jeremy drop me off at Antrim Lake so I could enjoy a different atmosphere while running 9 miles. It was nice for awhile. I took this picture of the lake right before I started.
9 miles in 2 hours. That’s a pretty terrible time for me. However, I did stop at a Port-a-Potty and meet a new friend.
This is the bridge past the lake. I decided to also spend some time taking pictures while running. Why not?
And here is my new friend, the turtle. He/she hissed at me when I touched his/her shell. I’ve never had a turtle hiss at me before (and I grew up hanging out in creeks!). Those city turtles…
He/She is awfully angry…
And now no longer wants to be my friend.
Side note…for some reason my spellcheck is in French and it’s kind of driving me crazy.
Okay so I guess I haven’t posted since July 5th. Let’s try to recap…
I did my 5 mile run on Saturday the 6th.
Sunday: skipped cross training (I never really know what to do on these days)
Tuesday: I think I skipped my 3 mile run.
Wednesday: I think I skipped my 4 mile run…I’ve been pretty terrible that week.
Thursday: Decided to run 4 miles instead of 3 since I skipped a couple days. Also, I have been skipping lifting. It really sucks not having a gym…
Saturday: 9 mile run. Okay now this post is caught up. Time to move on to the next!
Nothing like celebrating the 4th of July with a Black Bean Burger with lettuce, tomato, mayo, grilled onions, and grilled mushrooms. And of course cheesy fries!
I ran 3 miles with Jeremy today (of course wearing red, white, and blue). My knees are starting to bother me, but I hope it’s just an off day.
I forgot to add my lifting from Tuesday.
Dumbbell Deadlifts 3X8 (17.6 lbs ea)
Bent over Row 3X8 (17.6 lbs ea)
Dumbbell Shoulder Press 3X8 (17.6 lbs ea)
Lunges 3X8 (8.8 lbs)
Lying Leg Lifts 3X10
It’s pretty difficult now that I am refusing to go to the gym (ugh). I can only use what weights I have. I have to run outside every time. But one thing that’s better is that I don’t have to deal with completely incompetent gym employees. (Maybe I’m a little bitter).
So here’s my lifting for today:
Dumbbell Squats 3X8 (17.6 lbs ea)|
Push ups 3X8
Bent Over Row 3X8 (17.6 lbs ea)
Lunges 3X8 (17.6 lbs ea) Explains the knee pain…what was I thinking?!
Lying Leg Lifts 3X12
I actually hope that I’m sore tomorrow. That means it’s paying off without that measly gym membership. 😛
Hung out with these guys at work today. Unfortunately the glass was foggy, but that’s the only picture I’ll probably ever get of a Blue Morpho with it’s wings opened.
Fireworks last night!!! Happy Independence Day! I really didn’t understand why I didn’t hear anyone yelling “USA! USA!” …I mean…It’s like not yelling “O-H” at the OSU/Michigan Game. Buckeye fans will understand. 🙂
What’s your favorite Fourth of July tradition?
Mine is having a cookout and watching fireworks…maybe going to the lake. I did one out of three this year. Not too shabby.
Also, I thought about possibly dedicating each mile of the marathon to someone special in my life. Thoughts?
I cannot believe how difficult it has been for me to run 3 miles lately. I can easily run 6 or 7, but when it comes to 3…I feel like it wears me down. Doesn’t make sense.
Yesterday I ran 3 miles with Jeremy and by the end was trailing behind. It was pretty hot outside and as soon as I stopped, I felt my knees buckle and I really thought I was going to fall over. I run 3 miles all the time. Why has it been so difficult?
When I think about doing the full marathon, I really don’t know if I can do it. Not because I can’t physically do it…but because I’m not mentally prepared. How does one work on their mental toughness??
I guess I’ve been feeling down a lot lately, which doesn’t help. Applying for several jobs and not getting called for an interview really sucks…especially after earning a Master’s degree. I know I just got out of school a couple months ago, but when I see my peers getting jobs…I feel like I’m way behind. Anyways…back to running.
I’m supposed to run 4 miles today. I’m going to try to think positively. I’m not running for time today. It may be hot out when I run, but it’s nothing I haven’t handled before. Think happy thoughts.
Also, it may be a good idea, while we’re talking about percentages…to focus on that 80% diet. I ate a Blizzard last night before dinner. While it was mighty delicious…it was also about 800 calories. Oreo Cheesequake with peanut butter. Heavenly.
So I’ll leave you (potential reader…or imaginary reader) with this question to answer:
How do you prepare yourself mentally?